margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
