Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
