ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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