i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
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