remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
