got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
