I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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