the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Randomize
