i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
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