at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
