Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Randomize
