ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
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