Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
