and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Randomize
