she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
