Doing final review now. Then epic shit. Then going to take it. Should start it be 1030. Done by 2. Drunk by 3. Hammered by 4. Blacked out by 5. Streaking by 6. Jail sometime after that
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize