Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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