nut hugger
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
