we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
