One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
