i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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