you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
