im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize