i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
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