i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
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