I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
