im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
