Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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