i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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