do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
FUCK WHALES
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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