chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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