My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Randomize
