tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
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