i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Randomize
