made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
