thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
Randomize
