I can feel you judging me through the phone.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Never underestimate the power of titties
Randomize
