just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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