shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
I wish they made helmets for livers.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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