If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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