Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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