Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
Randomize
