Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
