We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
