dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Randomize
