you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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