tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
