another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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