It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
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