if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
She's the barista slut.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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