I faked an abortion last night.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
