Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Is it cum slut, cumslut or cum-slut? Sexting, plz advise ASAP
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
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