The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Randomize
