is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Is it sad that I'm on the stopduiaz.com website and there is a cute boy but it will never work between us because hes in jail for 17.5 years?
Um.. is it mean if I say yes?
How would my first penpal letter even go? "Hey saw you on stopduiaz.com, sucks you killed that motorcyclist. Whats your favorite thing to do on the weekend?"
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
Just looking for some anal play. An attempting to read atonement. The highbrow/lowbrow divide is striking.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
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