Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Randomize
