Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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