This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
Randomize
