if i can run in heels then i can drive
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
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