hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
