She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Randomize
